chronicles of the world's most fail assassin
escort missions AKA too dumb to live

Escort missions usually make me foam at the mouth because my squishy escorts tend to run straight into the face of danger and have the self-preservation instincts of suicidal lemmings.


A potent example is today’s failure of a mission:

- Escort Machiavelli to checkpoint

- Do pretty ok for most of journey, hiding in crowds and killing small batches of guards that spot me due to my hiding fail

- Reach final leg of journey, spot checkpoint, run excitedly towards it, breaking cover

- only to realize OHSHIT machiavelli and co. are still lagging behind me and the guards are onto us!!! D:

- Fight off guards, kill almost all except one who flees in terror after we slaughter his compatriots

- Breathe sigh of relief. Escort mission is FINALLY OVER.

- Unfortunately, Machiavelli does not know how to let go. To him, a fight to the death is a fight to the death.

- He gleefully gives chase to the fleeing guard, while I stare dumbfounded at his rapidly retreating back.

- I chase after him, forgetting about cover, and just wanting him to GTF back

- Along the way, we somehow manage to alert about 3 more patrols of guards, which I attempt to slaughter, but before I can even kill one, Machiavelli is already running straight into the next. 

- Despite all my efforts, poor zealous machiavelli is cut down by the small army he accumulated during his chase and the mission is failed because my ALLY IS DEAD.

- I weep tears of despair and rage.